@sofia I mostly just can’t handle stress or social mistakes very well, and there are a lot of things causing a lot of stress for me that aren’t really in my control

@sofia idk, I don’t think I’m capable of not pushing people away at all…

it doesn’t help that these are people I started talking to before I really knew what my values were (though luckily one of them at least wasn’t completely against everything and was supportive early on), but the way things have gone, I don’t think the end result would actually be different with anyone else

is it really worth it to keep trying and going through all this pain if the most unrealistic best case still leaves me trying to survive in a world that wants me dead for being such an evil zoo/pedo apologist, where so much hate is so universally normalized that trying to go against it is hopeless, where I’ll never have any hope of being welcome in any of the “normal” communities I’d want to be a part of because of who I am

and the actually realistic outcome is that this won’t stop happening no matter what I do, that every single person I try to be friends with will cut me off in the end, that I’ll never be able to reconnect with the people who already have, that I’ll be forced to survive in this world alone, for the rest of my life, with absolutely no support at all, never being able to move on from the people I let myself become dependent on and only continuing to accumulate more and more regrets

why can’t I stop it, why can’t I have the ability to change the past, why can’t I do anything right, why can’t I do anything right